SIRIUS YOU PERV!
by cursetheolive
Summary: sirius is a pev? read to discover the truth.


**Harry Potter: The Truth**

You may think you know the truth about the books, but when you delve deeper into their mysteries, a secret message is revealed. Listen closely and read on, for nothing will ever be the same again...

**Book Three: Where everything began**

Harry's POV: Why is it that whenever Sirius tries to shoot a spell at me, he places the wand in his crotch first? I found it very bizarre and highly suspicious, and was going to question his motives. But, then I found out that he was my uncle, so I let it slide. After all, that would be silly!

**Book Four: The Bath**

Harry's POV: I was in the Prefect's bathroom, trying to uncover the secret of the golden egg of course, when something strange happened. I saw a flash of black hair beneath the foam. Was going to investigate it, but was distracted as that stupid Myrtle girl started talking to me. Maybe I was imagining it, but when I got out of the bath to find myself a towel, I heard a refined chuckle.

**Book Five: Grimmauld Place**

Am staying at Sirius's house with everyone else. Some strange Order thing going on. Obviously an Organisation of Perverts. What makes me think this? Well, last night I was peacefully asleep when I looked up to find a hole in the wall. A dark eye was peering through it, though when I met it's gaze it disappeared. I thought 'what nonsense' and began to drift off once again, when suddenly a loud 'WA-HEY-HEY!' interrupted my dreams. My eyes fluttered open to witness what I presume was a penis hanging out of the hole. Bizarre. Even more bizarre is that every night since, the same thing has occured. I have told Hermione about my 'occuring dream,' though she assures me that it is not a penis, but actually Sirius's wand. She has had the same dream too. Was going to ask Ron what he thought, but he has gone to the shop with Sirius. They have been gone for five hours. Most odd.

When they got back, Sirius declared that he was very sorry for their absence, but there was a 'really big' queue in the shop. Ron went straight to his room.

*

Was bored, so when into Sirius' room. He has got a picture of Cedric Diggory in there. When I asked him about this over dinner, he said, 'It must have been put there as a practical joke.' Later in the evening, I felt uncomfortable as I walked in on Sirius and Lupin alone, undoubtedly having an intellectual conversation. I felt rude and left immediantly, though not before I caught Sirius whispering into Lupin's ear, 'I can't wait to _wolf_ you down.' Must have been talking about the dinner Lupin was preparing - mash potato.

*

At school. Ron is still not talking to anyone, whenever he sees a wand he looked shocked. Once I heard him say, 'I never knew wands were meant for that...' Must have been referring to that new spell Sirius taught him.

*

Told Dumbledore about my 'reccuring dreams.' He seemed most interested.

*

Occlumency with Snape is disastrous. Two days ago, he broke into my thoughts and saw my 'reccuring dream.' After that, he told me to get out of his office and to never come back again. Today I recieved a letter from Sirius, something about looking out for him in the fire at midnight to 'discuss matters.'

*

Was waiting for Sirius alone in front of the fire, when a penis suddenly appeared there. A loud 'WA-HEY-HEY!' could be heard, and it waggled around for about ten seconds, before disappearing. Sirius did not appear all night. Am most angry at him for wasting my time. I wrote him a letter, though his reply was simply a rather crude drawing of a penis. I refuse to believe that Sirius wrote this - he is a gentleman - obviously, Voldemort is behind it all.

*

SIRIUS IS DEAD. I cried and screamed a lot, and everyone thought it was because he was my god father. But the truth? As he died and floated back into the curtain, he loosened his trousers. They fell down, and he was going commando. I was not overly bothered about that, though - what I w_as_ bothered about what his penis. It was the same one that featured in my 'recurring dream' and appeared in the fire. As Sirius drifted away, I shouted 'SIRIUS YOU PERV!' and he smiled contentedly. Everyone seems to think I shouted 'SIRIUS, NOOOO!' Of course, they are wrong.

**Book Six: Dumbledore's office**

kk so like, Dumbledore is telling me all about this WHOREcrux shite, though I've noticed that he always says things like 'Who KNOWS what Voldemort wants...' and 'Nobody KNOWS the truth about Tom' or 'It is crucial for you to realise, Harry, that Voldemort KNOWS you are a threat... he KNOWS,' and most frequently, 'Did Voldemort fancy me? Who KNOWS?'

*

Why does Dumbledore always say 'KNOWS'? I'm sure I will find out one day. Perhaps it is linked to those good old 'recurring dreams.'

*

Omg Dumbledore died?!?!?! xD

**Book Seven: The Truth of all Things**

_This will be told from a third person perspective, so as to allow you, dear reader, to percieve the full truth._

Harry ran up to Voldemort in the wood and looked at him. Voldemort looked back and for a long time there was silence. Voldemort suddenly broke the silence as he whispered 'HA-REEE...'

Harry just stood there, ready to die, but then a solitary tear rolled down Voldemort's cheek, taking Harry by surprise. Voldemort stretched out his arms and walked up to Harry, smiling despite the tears. 'harry... i am ur dadz lol.'

Harry broke down in tears. 'i knew it, i knew it all along!' voldemort patted his back and said 'there there son.' they played a game of football together, and then voldemort sat down on a nearby log and patted it so that harry would sit down. when harry did, he turned to his much loved son.

'harry.. my son.. i must tell you the truth...' voldemort looked sad, and his eyes went blanked, as if he were in another place entirely. 'forget what dumbledore told you... the real reason why i am so evil is because when i was your age, your great great granddad came up to me, grabbed my nose, and went 'GOT YOUR NOSE!' then, your great great granddad pulled it off, which is why i do not have a nose. harry, you must understand, that incident completely and utterly destroyed me. ever since then, i have searched the world, looking for someone who has a similar nose to that man. i was seeing revenge when i came across your mother and father, and you as a baby. except they were not your mother and father, because i am your father, and your great great grandad was actually my great grandad. get it? so ye, i killed them both lol and then was going to take you and raise you as my son, which you are, then when you were a ripe age i would take your nose for my own. sorry lol i see the error of my ways now. forgive me dear boy.'

harry smiled at his dad. 'dw dad, it's k.'

as they smiled at each other, harry suddenly remembered what dumbledore had said. 'who KNOWS' knows. KNOWS. NOSE! NOSE. VOLDEMORT'S NOSE.

but it was too late for harry. voldemort had already grabbed his nose, screaming 'YOINK!' then he put it on his own face and smiled. harry died lololololololol. as he shut his eyes, sirius greeted him in heaven. harry was happy, but then sirius said 'there's a hole in your nose for a reason'

'WA-HEY-HEY!'

NOOOOOOO

**THE END.**


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